From a Blog About Adoption

I recently came across this question in a blog about adoption, and it really hit me. It's one of those thought-provoking questions that catches you off guard. To be honest, I’ve read and considered this question before, but this time around, I guess it hit me differently—and I’ve been wrestling with it ever since.... so whats the question... glad you ask.

“Is the person you are right now someone you would have felt safe with when you were younger?”

Since Mel and I have taken the first formal step toward adoption, (we still have a long way to go!) I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection—mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and even physically. I know I can’t fully prepare for everything this future child might need, but it’s also making me reflect on our marriage and our growing boys. So, where I am right now is considering who I am in this moment.

Am I someone this child would feel safe with? Is there anything about me that needs to change, transform, or grow? It’s a deeply humbling journey if you ask me.

In light of all this, I’ve come up with a few steps that I’ve been exploring in my journaling, and I wanted to share them with you. Maybe they’ll be helpful, maybe not. But here we go—these are the steps I’m currently running with, and I pray they might somehow be helpful to you. That in itself would be worth every minute of me writing this...

Step 1: Take Moment to Precisely Reflect Back.

Take a moment to precisely reflect back to who you were as a kid—think about a specific time and place, and a personal story that stands out. What made you feel safe, seen, and secure around new people? Maybe it was their kindness, how they met you at your level, their ability to listen without needing to know every detail, or how they made you feel understood. Ask yourself, “What would I have wanted to see or feel when I was lonely or scared?” This exercise has been revealing so much about the qualities I value and want to pursue. I truly believe this question is making me a better father, husband, friend, and especially a pastor.

Step 2: Recognize Where You Want to Grow

Once you’ve taken a moment to precisely reflect back, compare that to who you are today. Are there gaps? Maybe you want to be more patient, more forgiving, or more generous. Or something else? Recognizing what you wish you could have seen or experienced as a child is like a window that opens up, leading you toward a leap of becoming precisely what you wanted to see in the world.

Step 3: Set Small, Real Goals

Now that you’ve identified areas for growth, it’s time to take action. Start with small, manageable goals. Instead of a broad goal like, “I want to be kinder,” break it down into something specific: “I will compliment someone today” or “I will aim to anticipate the needs of... tonight.” Small, intentional actions, done consistently, make a big difference over time.

When I was a kid, I talked a lot... to be honest, I still talk a lot. Maybe I can become a person who listens more. I know I have two boys who will gladly talk my ear off, and maybe I need to let them. Sometimes, being the one who listens can be the most meaningful thing we can do for those we love.

Step 4: Find Your People

It’s important to have people in your life who can support you on this journey. Share your goals with friends, family, or a mentor who can check in with you. (This is where you come in!) Knowing someone is rooting for you and holding you accountable can really help keep you on track.

Ultimately, here’s the best I can say… The person I am right now doesn’t have to be perfect. Perfection is not the goal. Better than yesterday is the goal. I want to be a better person every day—not only for the future child, but for my current children, for Mel, for my neighbor, for my church, and for anyone I cross paths with.

What I can definitely affirm is that I wish to be better at everything, and I’m inviting you today to consider being better than yesterday.

Taking those small steps to become the person you would have wanted to feel safe with as a child? That’s a lofty, humongous task, but one worth pursuing. It’s a beautiful goal, and even if it takes my whole life, it’s so worth it.